Yes, you read it right. We’re calling you out. And you should listen. We’ll be nice about it, kind of.
Specialty coffee is, well, special. It’s in the name. When you order your favourite drink, the main thought behind it is for you to be able to taste the coffee. All the flavours it brings out. How the same coffee beans can taste different just by changing the roast or the way it’s poured. It’s a beautiful thing. So, then why are there people who will go to a coffee shop, order a flat white, and then ruin it with just one more request?
What’s the request, you ask? Let’s start with the simplest of crimes. Crimes I could forgive - in certain situations.
Adding sugar
Is your very milky latte too strong for you? Is the chocolate-y taste of your coffee too bitter? Well, deal with it.
Drink your coffee the way it’s made, and then go and get a doughnut to fix your evident sugar craving.
Depending on the coffee, I might forgive the sugar request. Just make sure it’s brown sugar and not more than one teaspoon (one very small teaspoon).
That goes for milky coffees, and milky coffees only. If you order a filter coffee and decide to add sugar there - you clearly got something to prove, and I’m sorry to say you have failed. The main intention of filter coffee is to get the full taste experience. Smell the freshly made V60, take a sip, and savour all the cherry or chocolate notes. It’s a one-of-a-kind experience, and adding sugar to that experience is like bringing your mum to the afters. Not asked for, not needed.
I’ve got a solution for you - if you can’t take your black coffee the way it’s intended, then just simply don't take it. I’m sure there’s a Starbucks across the street somewhere.
Let’s talk about syrup
Syrup in coffee can be acceptable. I have to admit, even I, shamefully, order it from time to time. However, I would never ever do that in a coffee that tastes good on its own. Flat white with caramel syrup? My closest coffee shop might just ban me forever. And I wouldn’t even blame them for it.
What about sugar-free syrup
Do we even need to talk about it? It shouldn’t be a thing. You order syrup for the sugar. It is burned sugar. Why would it be sugar-free? Unless your body literally cannot handle sugar, you will not be pardoned for ordering an oat latte with sugar-free syrup.
Decaf coffee
Same thing here - unless you have heart problems or are allergic to caffeine, stay away from decaf. Decaf latte? Just order a warm glass of milk, it’ll taste better. Decaf is fake coffee, and no one likes fakes.
Frappuccinos
Ordering a frappuccino is considered a crime by few. However, I have to disagree. To me, frappuccino isn’t coffee. It’s a coffee-flavoured drink, and therefore it doesn’t fall into the category at all.
The thing about espresso
How do you order an espresso? More importantly, how do you say it? To quote a follower: “Anyone who calls espresso ‘expresso’ makes my blood boil.” I get you, I’ve been you and I feel sorry for anyone who has to hear that word coming from someone’s mouth. As everyone says these days - educate yourselves!
Don’t be offended. Be thankful I called you out. I don’t expect you to change your coffee habits - if you like your weird coffee, own up to it.
Proudly step into your nearest specialty coffee shop and order your coffee the way you like it.
The barista will give you that jar of sugar for the Ethiopian filter without any judgment. Just know, whenever you step outside that coffee shop, you will be the talk of the day. It’s part of a series called - the coffee crimes our customers commit.
Now, let’s go for a coffee and I promise, this time, I won’t say anything. You have a get-out-of-jail-free card, and I’ve just dug myself a deep dark hole to crawl into. See you in Hell!
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